


What We Were

by ImOutOfMyVulcanMind (LoopyLu94)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 08:43:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12272901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoopyLu94/pseuds/ImOutOfMyVulcanMind
Summary: In the wake of a mission gone wrong, can Jim and Leonard ever get back to how they were?





	What We Were

Jim had been missing ten days, sixteen hours and forty-three minutes when he was finally rushed into Leonard’s MedBay. He was unconscious, pale, but other than a few scrapes, appeared physically unharmed. It was the scans of Jim’s brain that had Leonard worried. While he couldn’t see any damage, they were still so very wrong. It didn’t help that Spock didn’t know what the bastards who’d captured Jim had done to him, and when questioned, they wouldn’t say what either. So Leonard was stuck, caught between waiting for Spock and his team to find the answer, and waiting for Jim to wake to find out directly. Leonard only hoped it was something fixable. **  
**

Two days later, Jim was yet to wake up, and Leonard slumped down in his office chair, exhausted. He’d barely slept while Jim was gone, and he hadn’t slept at all since he’d been back, so Leonard hoped to at least be able to rest his eyes for a few minutes.

But when had luck ever been on his side?

A few minutes in, and his PADD beeped, declaring an incoming transmission. Leonard was tempted to ignore it, but then he looked and saw it was from Spock. Immediately Leonard snapped to attention, grabbing his PADD and opening the files the Vulcan had sent him.

**_Experiment_ **

**_Strong emotional responses_ **

**_Memory suppression_ **

**_Successful_ **

By the time he’d finished reading, Leonard felt sick to his stomach. While Spock had gone into extreme detail of the technical aspect behind the machines they’d found Jim with, Leonard mostly ignored it, focusing instead on what they’d actually done to Jim. The bizarre scans suddenly made a lot more sense. All the areas that had looked wrong, were right if it was Jim’s memories they’d been messing with. Leonard looked back at the file.

_Strong emotional responses_

So they’d targeted the memories that evoked a powerful emotion in Jim. Spock hadn’t clarified if they’d gone for positive or negative emotions, but Jim had so many negative memories, they would be the easiest to go for. There was no indication that Spock knew what memories they’d suppressed either, and with all the shit Jim had been through in his life, there was no way of trying to guess what they’d gone for first. They’d have to wait for Jim to wake.

Reading through Spock’s final comments on the report again, Leonard sighed, the last of his hopes diminishing. The machine wasn’t designed to reverse the process, which meant they had no easy way to restore whatever memories they’d stolen. He’d have to help Jim remember the long way.

_‘Depending on the memories’_ , Leonard thought to himself. With some of the heinous things Jim had been witness to, would it really be so bad if they stayed forgotten?

There’d be no more nightmares. No more waking up in the middle of the night to find Jim huddled in the corner of the bathroom, crying quietly to himself. No more holding Jim to his chest, and rubbing his back like he’d do with a child. No more awkward mornings after where Jim looked so damned terrified that the last straw had finally broken, and Leonard was going to walk out.

Would it really be so terrible?

His intercom going off broke Leonard out of his thoughts. “What is it?”

“The Captain appears to be waking, Doctor.” Came the voice of one of his nurses.

“I’ll be right there.” Leonard shot from his seat, and out of his office, rushing to the private room, they’d put Jim in.

A quick scan of his readouts told him Jim was starting to wake, and that so far everything appeared normal. Leonard hovered close to Jim’s side, watching his eyelids flutter, waiting for the exact moment Jim came back into full consciousness.

Jim groaned groggily as he woke, blue eyes opening and looking around confusedly. “What happened?”

“You were captured during the last mission. The bastards did some stuff to you, and we think they messed with some of your memories,” Leonard began to explain. “We need to determine what memories those were, so I’m going to start with just a few basic questions, okay?”

Jim nodded, pushing himself up into a sitting position. “Shoot.”

“Full name?”

“James Tiberius Kirk.”

“Good,” Leonard looked down at his PADD as he made a few notes. “Date of birth?”

“January 4th 2233.”

“Rank?”

“Captain. Of the USS Enterprise.”

“Is that where we are now?”

Leonard watched as Jim looked around him, then nodded. “Yes.”

“Good, that’s all good,” Leonard smiled. He hadn’t really expected Jim to encounter any problems with that information, but he had still needed to check. “What year is it currently?”

“2265. We’re nearing the end of our first five year mission.”

“That’s excellent, Jim. Can…can you tell me when you were promoted to Captain?”

“2258.”

“The exact date?”

Leonard watched with a sinking feeling as Jim opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again. Jim frowned as he clearly tried to think, but then his shoulders slumped, and he shook his head. “I don’t know,” he admitted quietly. “I remember Vulcan being destroyed, I remember the Narada, and going on it with Spock to rescue Captain Pike. I remember being told that my field promotion was going to be made permanent, and then…nothing. I remember being on the Enterprise.”

Leonard had hoped he’d be wrong, but he wasn’t surprised by Jim’s admission. Jim had often said getting the Enterprise had been the best day of his life, and he’d ridden that high past that day and into their first mission. Expecting it didn’t stop Leonard’s heart breaking for Jim though. “Talk me through what you remember from after that.”

“That first year, I remember it. Mostly. I don’t remember every little thing that happened, but no one does, do they? I remember Nibiru. We had to stop that volcano from going off, and Spock nearly died. On the trip back to Earth we found out that Pike wanted Spock and me to go in for a meeting…” Jim closed his eyes, scrunching his face up as he fought to think back. “That’s it. The first thing I really remember after that is being on the bridge again, at the start of the five year mission.” Jim looked up at him with wide eyes. “Why did they get rid of an entire year?”

“There’s nothing at all you can remember from that year?” Leonard asked instead of answering. That really wasn’t something he wanted to go into right now.

“Uh….hospitals, I think. Lots of hospitals. What happened to me during that year?”

“I’ll talk you through it later. All of it. Let’s focus on now for the moment, okay?” Leonard tried to be reassuring with his smile, but he was doubtful that Jim bought it. “Let’s go back to before you became Captain, tell me about your childhood.”

Jim nodded slowly, looking down at his hands. “I lived with my mom, and my older brother, Sam. Mom used to leave a lot though, and left us with Uncle Frank. He was a bastard. It…it got too much for Sam, and he ran away when I was about ten, I think. Frank got worse almost immediately. I remember going home, and him yelling, and taking off his belt, and…” Jim trailed off, opening and closing his mouth as he searched for words.

“And?” Leonard prompted after a minute of silence, though he already knew.

“I don’t know. I can’t remember anything. Barely anything. A few days of school here and there, but nothing concrete.” Jim closed his eyes again. “There’s nothing solid until I’m about nineteen. How can I lose nine years of my life? What the hell did Frank do to fuck me up so bad!?”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Deep breaths for me, Jim,” Leonard soothed, leaning over to rub Jim’s back. “The memories aren’t gone, they’re just…hidden. You can get them back. We’ll help you get them back.”

Jim took a few heaving breaths, before nodding. “Yeah…okay…” he whispered. “I’m so tired.”

“Understandable. Get some sleep, darlin’, and tomorrow we’ll talk through out next steps, alright?”

Jim nodded again, and looked up at Leonard with an exhausted smile. “Is that a general term, or something for Captains only?”

Leonard frowned as he straightened up. “Sorry?”

“You called me darling. I wondered if you used it on all your patients, or if I was special.”

“It’s habit, you know that, Jim.”

Jim shook his head with a confused smile. “How would I know that? I doubt nickname usage is on your file. Though they must have taken that too, because I can’t for the life of me remember reading it before you joined. How long ago did you come on board?”

The sickness was very swiftly returning, and Leonard could feel his heart start to plummet. “Jim, this isn’t funny. I’ve been on this ship with you since you became Captain.”

“I’d know you if you’d been on this ship for nearly ten years.”

“This isn’t the time to play a joke like this, Jim. You know me.” There was more than likely a very strong tone of desperation in Leonard’s voice, but he couldn’t have hidden it if he tried.

Jim just looked up, shrugging as he shook his head once more. “I’m sorry, but I have no idea who you are.”


End file.
